Why is dating so hard? Expert insight on finding someone new

You can still find a good match with a genuine connection. To get started, take a step back and re-evaluate what you want out of the process.

Between the fear of fake dating profiles, commitment, and the sheer time and expense it takes to find a match, it’s no wonder that dating today is hard. Not to mention adding an ongoing pandemic, ghosting becoming the new normal, and apps and sites that can make it difficult to navigate dating.

Dating and relationship experiences can be a complete roller coaster. For expert insight on the five biggest issues with modern dating and what you can do to find someone new, read on:

1: Knowing What You Want

Nearly half of Americans say that dating is harder than 10 years ago. Some of the biggest reasons for this include increased risk, technology and dating has become more impersonal. While dating has always presented challenges, dating, love and relationships seem even more complicated.

Dr. Tirrell De Gannes, Psy.D, licensed clinical psychologist with Thriving Center of Psychology, with offices in New Jersey and New York, explains that one of the biggest issues with dating is knowing what you really want from the dating process. You might run into a series of people who do not want what you’re looking for, or they’re not good matches long-term.

2: Pressure and Harassment

One survey found that 57% of women and 35% of men have experienced some kind of harassment when dating. The increasing focus on harassing behavior has various effects. For starters, it can make you feel wary about dating. In addition, it can make it difficult to know how to interact with someone.

3: Pandemic Dating

After several COVID-mandated lockdowns and social restrictions, the world is now looking forward to brighter days. And while the pandemic hasn’t necessarily changed the way people date, it has had an impact.

“Now you’re more likely to be aware of the other person’s masking and vaccination policies,” Dr. De Gannes said. “There’s also a lower sense of comfort with exposure, but that can represent the feelings of more introverted individuals.”

Every year, Match’s Singles in America survey looks at the latest trends in dating. Now in its 11th year, the survey found that 74% of singles say that the pandemic didn’t affect their dating life negatively. With video dating and socially distanced meetups, dating continued. Today, however, only 78% of singles want someone physically attractive, compared to 90% in 2020. Over 80% of singles want someone emotionally mature, accepting of differences and comfortable with their sexuality.

4: Dating Apps

According to statistics, there are 44.2 million online dating users in the U.S.. “Apps mean you have the illusion of options,” said Dr. De Gannes. “Options mean you’re less likely to find good because you’re in search of great, and you nonetheless weed through a lot of bad (and become bad yourself in the process).”

Research from a Stanford sociologist shows that most matchmaking occurs through algorithms, not friends and family. While it’s entirely possible to find someone not through a dating app, online dating feels at the core of modern dating.

5: Ghosting

In today’s society, ghosting — when a person abruptly stops all forms of communication for no apparent reason — is practically normalized behavior. Essentially, ghosting is a rejection without a sense of closure. So, how do you cope with ghosting without detaching yourself from all future interests?

“Reframing is the only solace I can offer,” Dr. De Gannes said. “People who ‘ghost’ are too afraid or too rude to address their own feelings of discomfort.” While it feels hurtful when someone ghosts you, especially if you felt like there was a connection, shifting your mindset can be helpful.

Having the ability to be honest and genuine with another person is hard, but sets the foundation for the relationship.

How to Find Someone New

Despite the hurdles of modern dating, you can still find a good match with a genuine connection. First, take a step back and re-evaluate what you want out of the process.

Dr. De Gannes suggests the following tips for finding someone new:

• Get out there and engage in activities that you enjoy

• Plan what you will say to introduce yourself and your intentions

• Do things that you like and find people who like those things too

Decide who you date mindfully and listen to your gut. If you sense some red flags, it’s probably for a reason.

There is no one perfect thing you can do to find a great match. Instead, you can focus on what you want and your intentions and go from there. Having the ability to be honest and genuine with another person is hard, but sets the foundation for the relationship.

No matter how you meet people, virtually or in person, dating is tough and, at times, draining. Try to keep an open mind, check in on your mental health and use all the opportunities you have to meet someone new, whether it’s at your local gym or down at the dog park.

The compassionate therapists at the Thriving Center of Psychology can help you navigate your emotions, lessen anxiety around dating and learn to talk openly about your feelings. Schedule an online appointment or contact one of the practice’s offices in New Jersey and New York. Additional offices are located in Florida, California, Minnesota and Oregon.

Princeton: Offering virtual ;help statewide
103 Carnegie Center Suite 300 Princeton, N.J. 08540 609-833-2272

New York City: